Four years ago, I fell in love for the first time.
It was an indescribable and incredible feeling that I had never felt before, and for the first time in my life I believed that love at first sight really did exist. I was madly in love with everything about him, and every time we were together we were in our own little world, oblivious to everything going on around us. The only thing was, he lived an eight hour drive away, 600km away from me in Wellington. We were also never boyfriend and girlfriend or exclusive to each other, which made things even more complicated. We would Skype for hours and hours, arguing, crying, laughing and trying to figure out how to go about our relationship. He had asked me to move down and live with him, but I had so many doubts. First of all, he loved the party lifestyle and still flirted and slept with girls. Second, he lived far away, and I knew that if he couldn’t be loyal then, he wouldn’t be loyal if I moved down. Thirdly, and this was the biggest obstacle, he didn’t have a relationship with God. I believed, and still do, that no one can understand or support me fully unless they first understand how important my faith is to me. Still nagged with doubts, but equally so in love with him, I flew down to Wellington and spent a wonderful weekend with him. When I arrived back home, I didn’t hear from him for a whole week. He didn’t show up to our Skype dates, he didn’t message me back or call me. When he finally did, I found out two things. First, that he had a job opportunity to move overseas for good. And secondly, one that he didn’t tell me but that I found out for myself, was that he got a new girlfriend. I was devastated that he would be walking out of my life forever, but even more so that only after a week after I flew down to see him, he found a new girl without giving me any warning. I remember the day I found out, I collapsed in confusion and couldn’t stop crying for the life of me.
He and is the only man I have given my whole heart to, fiercely and passionately. He is the only man in my life I have ever loved. And I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.
It has taken me three years to grieve this loss and slowly move on, and it was a nightmare. It threw me into a deep, suicidal depression of which I never thought I could escape out of alive. Countless times I would wake up and start crying uncontrollably, and my heart would hurt so much that I feared it would shatter into a million pieces. I had no energy to get out of bed in the morning and would only sleep, because whenever I woke up, I woke up into a nightmare and not out of one. There was one point where I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I refused to respond to my friend’s concerned messages. My heart was very much broken, and I had never cried so much in my life.
One night, while I was in lying in bed crying and in desperate need of rescuing, I called out to God, and He did something incredible. I closed my eyes and He gave me a vision. It was sunset, and I was standing alone in a white dress on a green hill. On the top of the hill there was a stone structure. It looked like a bridge, but instead of opposite ends leading somewhere there were two staircases leading up to the bridge. I walked up the stairs and stood in the middle of the stone structure, looking out ahead of me. It was a panoramic view of a beautiful suburb washed in a golden glow. At this point, I became a third person, and I saw myself crying. Then God spoke to me, and told me that the other staircase was for Him. He was always going to meet me there if I needed to cry. He told me that things were going to be painful for a while and that there were going to be many times ahead that I would be here, but that He was never going to leave me. A deep sense of peace filled my heart, and it was that night that I wiped my tears and began my journey of healing.
Whenever things became desperately painful, I would always think back to that vision and find incredible comfort in it. I am in awe of the nurturing and tender heart of God, that He has never condemned or judged me for making the bad decisions I did, but chose to comfort me in my mourning instead. I am in awe of his unfailing patience, that He would create a special place just for Him and I where I could cry and He could hold me. I am in awe of His love, and I always will be.
If you are in a place of deep pain, heartbreak, grief or sadness, know that there is more than enough grace for you and nothing can separate His love for you. His grace and love for you is so deep and endless that if you sank in it you would never reach the bottom. Sometimes, you may think that God is unhappy or disappointed in you like a scolding father when all He wants is to be close to you in your heartbreak. Sometimes, we just need to let go and sink in His waters of grace and love. I know it can be so hard to do – to let down your walls and to let down the guard around your heart is to become vulnerable. But trust that His presence is, and always will be, a safe place for you to lay your defenses down and just be innocently and boldly you. God is inviting you to come into a secret place with Him, a place only you and Him knows exist. And I hope that when you find it, you will realize that it’s okay for you to take your time to heal. There is no rush for you here. I believe that you love a kind of God that when you meet in your secret place, He will sweep you in His arms and never let you go.
“My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.”