Recently, I was inspired by sexologist Juliet Allen’s post about demythologising and un-shaming men and realised how strongly I agree with her. These are my thoughts on her thoughts.
I used to be someone who really hated men. I was physically abused by my father and sexually abused by my uncle as a child. I was increasingly resentful of men growing up because time and time again I was rejected, hurt or used by them.
After many laborious years of healing, self-care and re-learning truths, what I realise now is that I took the wounds I had as a child and asked the wrong men to heal them for me. My choices in romantic interests were just as flawed and twisted as my upbringing, but I understand that does not mean ALL men are bad or ALL men are out there to hurt me.
I have become tiresome of hearing women (some of them my friends) constantly complain that there are no good men out there and that all men are pigs. It also pains me to hear women shaming men when they make very human mistakes. There are certainly men out there who have bad intentions, but there are also men out there who are beautiful and good and want to connect deeply with someone just as much as women do.
We tend to “split” men and label them as all good or all bad. Humans are both. We all have an inner light and inner darkness within each of us, and the sooner we stop shaming each other’s inner darkness (whether they are a man or woman), the sooner we can appreciate that we are all just humans-in-progress, stumbling around in the dark, often making mistakes, and learning to live life the best way we know how.
We must also understand that for men, being intimate and vulnerable with women may be more of a challenge for them. A lot of us have not grown up with very good examples of how to communicate and connect deeply with someone and often I have seen men being shamed and put down for being vulnerable and wanting love. The societal pressure we put on them to be this macho, un-feeling machine is unfair and very tough.
No matter how many times your heart has been broken, do not let it taint your view of all men. And if it always keeps getting broken, consider rescuing and loving yourself. Healing and a healthy way of relating comes from having a good relationship with yourself first. When you have that, you can then manifest and attract a man who will respect the respect you have for yourself.
I hope we can be a little more gentler and kinder toward them and ultimately, stop shaming them as a whole. Empathy between women is important, but so is empathy between women and men.
Photo via Sometimes Now